You're a Detective? Well, I'm The Doctor!
by ContinuumSpree
Summary: The Doctor gets into the universe of Skulduggery Pleasant. Wibbly-Wobbly-ness ensues.
1. Madman with a Box

Skulduggery grabbed Valkyrie's hand and ran. They ran as fire swelled behind them. They ran as they heard the screams of the dying. They were coming up to the end of the corridor, and Valkyrie curled her fingers. Shadows leaped from corners and smashed the door to pieces. The room they barged into was spacious, but not large. A good chunk of the wall was missing and the strange couple nearly stumbled over the edge.

"Why don't you fly?" yelled Valkyrie, panicking.

"You talk about it like it's easy!" yelled Skulduggery back.

"For all I know it is!"

"Then you're dead wrong!"

The howls of pain still pierced the night air, but there was a new noise. Growling. Low pitched and threatening. A vampire stepped into the room. It's hide was charred and it's eyes burned with hatred.

"I will kill you." It managed to say.

"Valkyrie, do you trust me?

"Yes! Why are you asking?"

"Because I'm about to do something stupid and dangerous."

"What is it?"

"...Did you know sparrows fly south for the winter?"

Skulduggery's fist found Valkyrie's gut. Her clothes absorbed most of the shock. But physics didn't care. Physics tossed Valkyrie Cain off the top of a thirteen story building. Thirteen. Unlucky number that is.

The vampire was about to strike. Skulduggery felt the current of the air. Up on the thirteenth story, there was a hell of a lot of current to use. There was a gigantic rush of air. Parts of the wall which barely held before now crumbled. The wind struck the vampire at above-hurricane speeds and he flw backward. So did Skulduggery.

Off of the building. Valkyrie had fallen for a couple of seconds. Skulduggery streamlined his body. Or, rather, what was left of it. He gained on Valkyrie. They still had a good five stories to go before Skulduggery caught her and cushioned their fall. Spectators were gathering around. Skulduggery touched his facade tattoos and flesh covered his skull. He carried Valkyrie to the Bentley and put her in the back seat.

"Why'd you hit me?" she asked as Skulduggery took the wheel.

"To knock you off a building."

"Couldn't you have asked me to jump?"

"I could. Do you think it would do anything?"

"No."

"Then you see why I did it?"

"Why did you punch me?"

"To knock you off of a building. We've been over this."

"Why not shove me?"

"Would you approve of me using my whole hand to shove your chest?"

"...No."

"Well then. That's settled. Be sure to thank Ghastly. Otherwise you might be seriously hurt."

"I fell off a building."

"Are you seriously hurt?"

"No."

"Then I don't see what the problem is."

They drove in silence to the Sanctuary. They had nothing to report, not really. They just wanted coffee. Maybe ask about Tanith. It was refreshing. Not having anything big to worry about. Occasional raids on hideouts. But no end of the world stuff. Valkyrie was thankful.

They pulled up in front of a building in Roarhaven. Skuldugerry got out of the car, so did Valkyrie. When they entered the Sanctuary, they found themselves faced with quite a scene. Sorcerers held balls of flame in their hands. Cleavers stood at the ready and Skulduggery took out his gun.

There was a big blue box standing casually in the middle of a corridor. Outside of the box stood two young men, one in a tweed jacket and a bow tie, the other in more normal clothes. There was a redheaded girl with them. All three held their hands above their heads.

Ghastly Bespoke stood facing them. "Who are you?"

The young man in tweed, the one who looked like a college professor flashed the smiled of a delighted madman. "I'm The Doctor."

"Doctor who?" pressed Ghastly.

"Exactly." Said the man.

"If you don't tell us your name I will have these men kill you."

"Eh. I still have one regeneration left. No...Wait. Three hundred and seven minus ten. Two hundred ninety seven."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you kill me, just spare my bow tie. I like my bow tie."

"Skulduggery!" called Ghastly "Would you like a crack at him?

Skulduggery walked to the man cautiously, gun only half lowered.

"Doctor who?" he asked.

The man, still cheerful, replied "Nothing. Just 'The Doctor'! Isn't it elegant?" He was halfway through a laugh when Skulduggery's fist hit his jaw. The Doctor stumbled backward, hitting the box. He rubbed his chin. All mirth had just gone from his eyes. He no longer looked like a delighted madman. He looked like an angry killer. The Doctor closed his eyes for a couple of seconds. When they were re-opened, malice had gone, but the joy was replaced by seriousness.

"Just. The. Doctor." He said coldly. His eyes flickered over Skulduggery's hand and said, not too quickly, not too slowly. "I am The Doctor. And if you hit me again, I won't be the one who ends up broken."

"I'm not inclined to believe you." said Skulduggery Pleasant.

"I don't care what you're inclined to believe. But skeletons are easy to break."

Skulduggery's eyes narrowed. He looked at Ghastly. Bespoke nodded. His facade was stil up. How had the man, The Doctor, known?

"Your fist is too bony for a living person. You're oddly thin and you don't smell. All of you humans smell." The Doctor turned to the redhead "No offense Amy."

"None taken." she said. The girl spoke with a Scottish accent, a counterpart to The Doctor's British.

"Who are you?"

"I have told you already! I am The-"

"Yes. The Doctor. We'll call you that if you insist. But who are you? Where did you come from?"

"Space."

Everyone gave The Doctor a look. Their flames flickered and guns wavered.

"I'm from Space." he repeated.

"Space?"

"Feel my chest, dead man. I have two more hearts than you."

Skulduggery put away his gun. He pressed his palms to The Doctor's chest until he located both hearts. His facade had timed out at that exact moment. The Doctor's eyes widened and the delighted madman look came back to his face.

"Oh that's bloody brilliant!" He squealed. His hand dropped into a pocket and brought out a shiny tube. Flames regained intensity in the sorcerer's hands. The Doctor's joy turned to a small look. It was a mix of condescension and passing disapproval. "Oh calm down, it's just a screwdriver." He proceeded to wave the buzzing thing all around Skulduggery. A blast of air made it fly out of his hand. This resulted in another squeal.

"You lot are brilliant!" he yelled "All of you! You know what I need to do? I need to find out how you work. But that can wait. Prepare to be awed and amazed!" He gestured grandly ith his hands and span around to face the blue box. He pushed at the doors.


	2. Clearly a Low-Down, Dirty Deciever

Vlakyrie's jaw dropped. So did Ghastly's. Skulduggery would have raised his eyebrows in shock if he had a face. The Doctor turned around to face them, inside of his box lighting his back. He gave a giant smile of enthusiasm. Silence. The smile grew even larger.

"Come on. Say it. You know you want to."

"Say what?" asked Skulduggery. He was evidently the only one capable of speech.

"The thing you all say. Well, you all minus Rory." The Doctor looked over at the man to his right. "Rory always ruins the fun."

"Hey!" said Rory

"Calm down, I was joking. You're actually quite useful."

"Thank you."

"Not as useful as me, though."

Rory sighed and Amy giggled. Skulduggery waved his hand in front of Ghastly's face.

"It's bigger...on the inside..." muttered Ghastly.

"Ah! Yes! There it is!" exclaimed the Bow-tie-clad man. "Figured you'd get around to it." Skulduggery went over to Valkyrie. "What do you think of him?" The skeleton whispered.

"It's bigger on the inside." whispered Valkyrie.

"Yes, I've gotten that. Do you think we can trust him?"

"I don't know about trusting him, but I do like him."

"Don't gawk at men in bow ties, Valkyrie. You might lead them on."

"Men in bow ties are unorthodox. I like unorthodox."

"I'm a skeleton. Can you get more unorthodox than that?"

"Bow tie wearing alien with a bigger-on-the-inside box?"

"Shut up."

"Well he's funny."

"He's not funny, he's odd."

"Says the flying skeleton detective with a magical face."

"Shut up."

"I'm just saying. He doesn't look the sort to cause trouble."

"Did you see how quickly he turned dark on me?"

"You punched him!"

"Yes I did."

"I turned dark when you punched me! It's not a nice thing to do!"

"No. You didn't turn dark. You were shocked. The Doctor went dark. His look after I punched him. He wasn't sad or shocked. He was mad."

"If you punched me in the middle of a sentence I would be mad too."

"I'm telling you, this isn't garden variety mad."

"What kind of mad is it, then?"

"The mad of people who don't often get punched."

"Some people just fight well and manage not to get hit."

"No. They get punched routinely, one way or another. That look was a look of someone who wasn't used to being punched."

"We've been over this."

"Not because he fights well. But because people fear him too much."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"He has the look of someone who inspires fear. And for someone to go against the established fear...It makes him mad."

"He's wearing a bow tie."

"And I wear a fedora. Yet you know what I've done."

"Give him a chance."

"Are you quite done talking about me?" Yelled the Doctor from his end of the corridor. "I want to know where I can park the box!"

Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. Your turn, implied the look. Valkyrie walked forward. "Right. Might I ask what that box is?"

"It's a TARDIS." said the red haired girl, Amy.

"Thank you for the word that tells me nothing." Amy scowled.

"TARDIS. Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. " said The Doctor

"Once again, words come out and I don't get them."

"It's a time machine."

"Right. Of course it is."

"Check your pocket if you don't believe me."

"How will that help anything?"

"Just do it, Valkyrie." insisted The Doctor. The girl in black felt around in her left pocket. Her eyes widened. That was this man?

"Come on, Valkyrie. Show the nice men with fire and scythes what you have." The doctor's eyes were narrowing, and a victorious smile sat on his lips. Valkyrie pulled out a bow tie from her pants.

"How did you-" started Skulduggery, rushing up to The Doctor, but the man had already dragged his companions inside and shut the doors. Skulduggery tried to open them. They didn't budge. He shot at the handle to no avail. "Doctor!" he yelled. The mysterious blue box began to fade. A sound pierced the air. Everyone instinctively knew the sound. Never before had they heard it, but it was ingrained in their thoughts by nature itself.

It was the sound of a war in heaven. Of demons dying. Of terror. Of The Oncoming Storm.

"Doctor!" screamed Amy "Where are we going?"

The TARDIS rocked. The blue boring-ers were off and the brakes were on.

"Three o'clock in the afternoon, today!"

"Why?"

The Doctor smiled his maniac smile. "We have a bow tie to deliver!"


	3. Raining But It's Not Seattle

"A bow tie?" asked Amy.

"Yes. A bow tie. Did you see that girl? She had my bow tie."

"How would you know it would be there?"

"Amy, I'm a Time Lord. I can sense these things. They're displaced in time."

"How'd you know her name?"

"The skeleton is bad at whispering."

The TARDIS stopped shaking and the noise died down. "Oh! There we are! You two stay here and try not to make River a sibling while I'm gone." He pressed a button on the console and a new sonic was pressed out of a dispersal tube.

"Doctor! How long will you be?"

"Oh, a couple of minutes. I'll be right back." The Doctor opened the door and twirled outside. It smelled salty and waves crashed against the docks. Haggard, ten thirty seven am. He affectionately hit the wood of the TARDIS.

"Thank you, sexy."

He then proceeded to look for a girl with dark hair. Where would any teenage girl be at ten? School. Check there first. The Doctor set off with a spring in his step. Then it started to rain. The spring in his step didn't disappear. He passed several adults walking under umbrellas and waved hello to them. The citizens of Haggard were not used to cheery college professors waving at them from beneath their soggy mat of hair. All waves The Doctor received were of the cautious 'I don't know who you are and I hope you're not a serial rapist' kind. He didn't care. He was just here to deliver a bow tie.

The Doctor got to the local school within fifteen minutes and pushed open the front doors. He walked through the halls and peered into classrooms. None of them held Valkyrie. He must have walked through half the school until he found her. He strode into the classroom mid-lesson with a big grin on his face.

The Doctor took off his wet bow tie. Plopping it on Vlakyrie's desk, he said "There you go! Bow tie, save it for later!" He started to leave, but stopped in the middle of a step. He twirled around and looked at Valkyrie. His eyes narrowed and his smile was gone. "No...Wait...There's something here." He reached into a pocket and produced the sonic. He whizzed it around Valkyrie and looked at the readings. The Doctor smiled again "Brilliant. Just _brilliant_. Pass it on to our dearest friend Val for me. She would want to have it." He patted Valkyrie's reflection on the head and ran out of the classroom.

"Who was that man?" asked Valkyrie's teacher.

"That was...a family friend." lied the reflection.

"What was his name?"

"Mr. Smith."

"Smith?"

"John Smith."

"Where were you?" asked Rory

"Outside. We go there every day." replied The Doctor.

"Why are you wet?"

"Water was falling from the sky." He rushed to the console and fiddled with the controls. The TARDIS made it's noise and started to fly through the vortex. Again it stopped, and The Doctor threw the doors open. Skulduggery grabbed him by the neck.

"Where did you go!" he yelled

The Doctor pushed him away. "Stop it with the hitting and the chocking! I was just giving the girl a bow tie!"

Valkyrie was looking at him with wide eyes. "You look different when you're wet." she said

"Suppose I do. Can you tell me about the clone? That's brilliant."

"It's a reflection. It takes my place in school."

"Why?"

"I have things to do."

"More important than school?"

"Yes."

"What do you do then?"

"Well...I punch things. Throw fire. Save the world."

"Hm. Me too."

"You save the world?"

"Yes I do." said The Doctor and smiled.

"I've killed some gods."

"I killed Satan"

"Vampires."

"Cybermen."

"What's a Cyberman?"

"Robots with human brains."

"You get around, don't you?"

"Yes. I do."

Skulduggery looked at The Doctor "I died once."

"I died ten times. One isn't a great achievement. Though I have to say, the skeleton is something new. Remind me to stick a chicken wing in your ribs."

"What?"

"Vashta Nerada. Anyway. Is there somewhere I can park my time machine?"

"I suppose we have an empty room." said Erskrine, looking at Ghastly.

"Yes. The council chamber would do nicely."

"I shall not have a blue box in the chamber!" said Madame Mist, emerging from the crowd.

"It would be great for decoration." whispered The Doctor just loudly enough for the woman to hear.

"We need no decoration." She turned to The Grand Mage "Why was I not notified!"

"We didn't notify anyone. All these people were just passing through."

Madame mist turned to The Doctor "How did you get through the Sanctuary's wards?"

"There were wards?" asked The Doctor, puzzled.

The woman's attitude changed. Her eyes narrowed. "You say you didn't notice the wards?"

"Not at all."

"Fascinating. Bring this Box to the Repository."

"What?" screamed The Doctor "You can't just take the TARDIS!"

"TARDIS?"

"The blue box thing!"

"I can and I will."

" Well then." said The Doctor. He turned around and took out his sonic screwdriver. Sliding the claws out, he pointed it at the TARDIS. "Good luck with that." he said, and opened the doors. "Oi! Amy, Rory, come out!"


	4. Doctor of Everything

The two companions emerged from the TARDIS. The Doctor walked up in front of them. He pointed to the man in a vest and said "This is Amy, that's Rory. No. Sorry. " He turned around to get a look at who was behind him, then twirled back. "Right. That's Amy-" He pointed to the redhead, then to the man "That's Rory.. If you think either of them looks pretty, too bad for you. They're married. I'm The Doctor, as you know. Now. Can I get a proper introduction from you?"

Skulduggery spoke up "I'm Skulduggery Pleasant. Resident detective. Oh. Also, I punch people."

The Doctor smiled slightly "Yes, I got that." He pointed to Valkyrie "What about you?"

"You already know my name."

"Yes, I do. The skeleton is bad as whispering. Can you tell me anything else?"

"Well...I'm assistant detective. I also punch people."

"You punchers always start so early. Rory here is our puncher."

"What do you do?"

"I run. You!" The Doctor turned to face Madame Mist. "Who are you?"

"Madame Mist, Child of the Spider."

"Ohhhh. That sounds ominous. Don't let me catch you with your hand in the cookie jar. Next!"

"I'm Ghastly Bespoke."

"What's with all these fake names?"

Skulduggery chuckled. "Says The Doctor."

"You should listen to your Doctor."

"What are you a Doctor _of_, if I may ask?" interrupted Madame Mist.

"I don't know. Stuff."

"Stuff?"

"Yes, Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Everything." said The Doctor, shrugging.

"Everything."

"Yes."

"Anything more specific?"

"Engineering. Biology. Chemistry, Bioengineering. Biochemistry. Chemo-engineering. Cheese making."

"Cheese making?" piped Valkyrie.

"Yes, cheese making."

"Okay. You're a Doctor of everything." said Valkyrie.

"Doctor of time and space." said The Doctor and clapped his hands. "Now! Where can I park the box? It can't very well sit in a corridor for ever."

"Fine." said Madame Mist. "Park it where you like. It seems I don't have a say in it."

"No, you really don't."

"One thing?" interrupted Valkyrie.

"Yes?" said The Doctor, stopping mid-stride.

"Why a police box?"

"I like police boxes."

"Do you?"

"Kind of have to."

"Why?"

"The TARDIS scans every atom within five hundred miles and constructs a virtual 3D reconstruction within the first microsecond of landing. Then it turns into a box. I'm working on it." He flashed a smile and walked inside his ship, dragging Amy and Rory along.

Wind started blowing, and the TARDIS disappeared. When it came back, it was flying a mile above Ireland. The Doctor pulled a switch and ran to the door. Throwing it open, he looked down on the world.

"Hm."

"What is it, Doctor?" asked Amy.

"Oh, it's noting. It just seems as though the place we were just in doesn't exist."

"What do you mean 'Doesn't exist?'" asked Rory, walking over.

"What else can it mean? It's invisible! Just doesn't exist!"

"That can't be right."

"The TARDIS is already running through it's database of maps to see if there's anything here officially."

"So we can't see it. What does that mean? It could be underground."

"Yes, but even underground things have entrances. There is literally nothing here." The Doctor twirled and pointed his sonic at the console. The TARDIS shook and lowered itself to half of a mile. "Still nothing..." whispered The Doctor.

The TARDIS continued descending. About one hundred feet above the ground, Roarhaven appeared. The Doctor was smiling. "Brilliant." The TARDIS console beeped. "Oh!" yelled The Doctor "Muffins are done." He shut the doors. A couple minutes later, The Doctor was still looking at the screen.

"Doctor?" said Amy

He looked at her. "What?"

"You haven't talked for a long time."

"I'm thinking."

"About what?"

"Bizarre things, Amy."

"What kind of bizarre things?"

"Things like who knows the location of this town."

"Who does?"

"A couple people."

"What kind of people?"

"Troubling people."

"Doctor. Tell me."

"Amy. If I have been sitting here for five minutes trying to figure it out with no success, I highly doubt the information will be of any use to you."

"But Doctor! I wanna know."

"You should probably tell her." said Rory.

"Okay. There are three people who have this town on there map. Or, well, organizations."

"Doctor, stop stalling."

"I'm sorry Rory! I'm trying to piece this together and you are not helping!" yelled The Doctor.

"Why are you so upset!" Yelled Rory back.

"Torchwood, UNIT, and Nicholas Flamel!"

"What?"

"Torchwood. UNIT. And Nicholas Flamel!"

"What's Torchwood and UNIT?"

"Organizations made to deal with alien threats to Earth. You don't know them."

"What do they have to do with Nicholas Flamel?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out!"

"Does this mean we're meeting Nicholas Flamel?"

"No! I've known the man for years! He's nothing out of the ordinary!"

"Did he actually die?"

"Yes. Like I was saying, nothing out of the ordinary. "

"So what will we do?"

"We go down there and ask."

"About secret military organizations and and alchemist?" asked Amy sarcastically.

"Yes." said The Doctor and started pushing buttons, pulled levers, and twisted...things. The TARDIS appeared in the middle of the Council room. This startled Ghastly, Ravel, and Madame Mist, who were in the middle of an argument. Skulduggery was standing at the side, waiting to pass a snide remark.

"The Doctor burst from the TARDIS, leaving the door open. There was silence as they looked at him.

"Are we done with the dramatic pause?" asked Skulduggery. His mission was complete.

The Doctor paid him no heed. "What do you know about Nicholas Flamel?"

The TARDIS beeped again. The screen could be seen fully from the doors. A picture of Nikola Tesla appeared behind The Doctor's head. He turned around slowly and looked at the image. A smile crept onto his face and his eyes narrowed.

"Fascinating."


	5. Nikola Tesla and You

"What?" asked Ravel

"You lot. You're all hiding away from society, but people know you exist. You were responsible for the last couple of strange goings-on in Ireland, weren't you? The hallucinations and explosions and torn up streets and people missing, that's all you, isn't it? But most people don't know about you. I find that strange. Someone had to have seen something. But no one remembers. Why? Why is that?"

The Doctor squinted harder. "The magic you have. Can I call it magic? I'll do it anyway. There appear to be different disciplines. The girl has a ring, you burn things, I recall seeing someone with glowing eyes. This is all combat magic. But you need a PR department, don't you? Someone who helps people...forget. Get me one of those people."

"Why should we?" asked Madame Mist

"Because I told you to. Before you ask why you should listen to me, I'll explain. I am The Doctor. I am hundreds of years old. I don't know whether or not that is significant to you. But the number nine hundred and fifty is sure to impress someone. I sail through time. I've saved this planet and countless others many, many times. You are in my debt, as is everyone in this room, this complex, and the universe. Get me. Your. Public. Relations. Officers. NOW!"

Madame Mist sneered, while the other two elders held impressed smiles on their faces. The Child of the Spider walked quickly out of the room to do The Doctor's bidding. Ghastly and Ravel talked in hushed tones off to the side. Skulduggery approached the Time Lord.

"That's a good speech." he said.

"Thank you, I give it more often than you think."

"I've given my fair share of speeches."

"Oh. How do those go?"

"They get away from me."

"Ah." A pause. "Tell me about Nicholas Flamel."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because he has your invisible town on his map."

"Hm...Nicholas Flamel. I remember that he smelled."

"That all?"

"He smelled like fish."

"Not helpful."

"My specialty."

"Look." said The Doctor "I gather that you're a detective."

"Yes I am. I'm rather good."

"Have you ever interrogated someone, Mr. Skeleton Man?"

"Skulduggery Pleasant."

"I know. The question still stands."

"Yes I have."

"Well now I'm interrogating you. Except I do it nicely. You method probably involves punching people."

"Punching people is effective."

"I like my information given willingly. And now it is of vital importance that you cooperate. If you tell me what I want to know, I would be very, very grateful."

"Fine. Let's get down to interrogation."

"Good. Nicholas Flamel, what do you know?"

"He was part of the Sanctuary, yes. He was an Adept sorcerer-"

"Adept?"

"Yes. Not Elemental. He didn't throw fire."

"Good. What did he throw?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing at all. He was an alchemist. The first one to actually be worth a damn."

"You mean he actually-"

"Yes."

"Are you sure he wasn't an alien?"

"What?"

"No tentacles, horns, robotic arms?"

"No. He mixed magic and science in his own way."

"Do you have any idea what that was?"

"I think it had something to do with extracting the base energy from elements, then using it to make yourself more powerful."

"Brilliant!" said The Doctor, beaming.

"What's so brilliant about it? The idea has existed for a long time."

"Yes, yes, it's existed. Einstein made a formal equation for it. You might have heard about it. E=MC squared. Even the Time Lords couldn't get all the energy out of an atom, and I suppose neither could your Nicholas Flamel. But he successfully did it about four hundred years before everyone else attempted it. And it went to his personal power, no extra steps. Okay. So he was one of you, developing his own magic and in the public eye. What about Nikola Tesla?"

"Tesla was one of the most important people of the war."

"War?"

"A couple hundred years ago, there was a secret war with a man called Malevolent."

"Okay. Should I be taking notes?"

"I assume we'll fill you in later. Nikola was a friend of mine. He tried to join the Dead Men, but he didn't quite cut it. So he went to management. He was a strategist, mostly. Inventing was his hobby. He was also making his own branch of magic. He was trying to expand the horizons of Elementals."

"Electricity?"

"Yes. How observant of you. When the war ended, Tesla went on to try and harness the full power of electricity. He was a younger Kenspeckle Grouse. Brilliant in every way. He might still be alive, if it wasn't for his magic."

"His magic, what did it do?"

"Forming a new discipline is a hard thing to do. You have to understand what you're doing completely. You need to make new fundamental laws and change old ones. Both Tesla and Flamel went mad. Their work isn't as appreciated as it should be."

"So they were both great men, forging ahead in your understanding and use of magic. But why Roarhaven? Why was it on their maps and no one else?"

"Both Flamel and Tesla were both originally from Roarhaven."

"Oh. And there's our link!" said The Doctor, and clapped his hands. A door opened, and Madame Mist strolled in with a man.

"This is Artemis. He is an, as you put it, Officer of PR. What did you want with him?"

"Pleased to meet you, Mr..." said Artemis

"Doctor."

"Mr. Doctor?"

"Just The Doctor." said Skulduggery.

"Yes. Just The Doctor. Do you mind if I scan your brain?"

"What?"

"Your brain. I want to scan it."

"Will it hurt?"

"No. Well. Maybe a bit."

The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver and pointed it at the man's head for about ten seconds. He flicked it out and held it up, looking at it intently.

"You all just keep surprising me."

"What is it?"

"The magic you use is just an extension of your brain's abilities. You all have a high-level psychic fields. They let you control and bend reality to your will. Well. Within reason." The Doctor pointed at Skulduggery. "Now I still don't get how you work, but I'd guess it's because of someone with a lot of experience with death. You probably shouldn't let that man die."

"He's dead."

"Oh. Well then. Disregard what I said. Psychic fields must linger if they're attached to something. Now that we have that sorted, lets pay a visit to Torchwood."

"What's Torchwood?"

"Secret military organization. Like yours, only way smaller. You'll love it."

"You assume I'm coming." Said Skulduggery.

"That you are. And your protege is coming too."

"Okay Doctor. I'll come. I'll get Valkyrie."


	6. I Want To Go Back To Torchwood

Right, hello, sorry. I had computer problems so severe I couldn't ask Google. Also, school started. So there's that. But I'm back now. And unless my computer blows up again or Mr. Elliot decides to be particularly sadistic, I won't be going anywhere. DFTBA.

* * *

Five minutes later, Skulduggery emerged from the door with Valkyrie. The Doctor was deep in conversation with the Elders. He took out the sonic and waved it around their heads. Valkyrie raised a hand. The Doctor snapped to attention and walked briskly to them.

"Where are we going?" asked Val.

"The moon." replied The Doctor.

"Why are we going to the moon?"

"Well, if you don't want to, I suppose-"

"Oh no, I want to go to the moon. That would be awesome."

"Good. Come on then." He began walking to the TARDIS, a couple yards away. "Amy and Rory have already been to the moon. Twice. It's really quite brilliant." He opened the door and walked through. "Well. If you don't explode in a gory mess from the vacuum. But don't worry, I assure you that won't happen. Probably." He started pulling levers on the console with one hand and pointed to Amy and Rory with the other. "There are Rory and Amy. I'll let you figure out which is which. Talk away."

He stopped pointing and focused on the controls. Skulduggery and Valkyrie walked over to the corner, where the companions were.

"Hello." said Skulduggery, stretching out his hand. "I'm Skulduggery Pleasant. Detective, skeleton. You?"

Rory took his hand and shook it firmly. "Rory Williams. Time Traveler. Last Centurion."

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Last Centurion?"

"We went back to Roman times. I was plastic. Guarded a box for two thousand years. Then the universe was re-booted."

"Hm. So that's an aborted timeline, then? How do you remember it."

"The Doctor said something about Amy, cracks, and 'void stuff'. I didn't get it."

"Speaking of The Doctor." piped Amy "What's taking so long to get us flying?"

"It's them." called out The Doctor "Their psychic fields are interfering with the TARDIS's...Things. We can't take off. Give me a few minutes."

Amy turned to Valkyrie "Hello. I'm Amy Pond."

"I'm Valkyrie Cain. Nice to meet you."

"You help Skulduggery, right?"

"I punch people."

"Oh. Well then."

"I punch people sometimes." said Rory.

"We punch people all the time." said Skulduggery.

"Sometimes we kick them, just for diversity." added Valkyrie.

"The Doctor's not a punch-y person." said Amy.

"Aaaaaaaaand there it is!" yelled The Doctor. "I've done it! Be impressed. Off to the moon!"

The TARDIS shook. The Doctor, Amy, Rory, and Valkyrie flailed around for something to hold on to. Skulduggery stood perfectly still and on balance. There was a draft felt in the console room, though the doors were closed.

"No fair!" yelled Valkyrie "I want to fly!"

"He's flying?" yelled Amy.

"Yes!" yelled Valkyrie back.

"That's mental!"

"I know! And he won't teach me how to do it!"

The TARDIS settled down and stopped. "The Doctor won't let me learn how to fly his box. Why won't you let me, Doctor?"

"Because if you press a wrong button you end up chased by dinosaurs, eating breakfast with Australopithecus, or breaking time."

"You've broken time before."

"Only a little bit."

"How do you break time 'a little bit'?" asked Skulduggery sarcastically.

"Well...Winston Churchill was the Emperor of Rome, and there were flying cars and trains and balloons. But no cavemen. If I had broken time a LOT there would be cavemen. Also, it wasn't me, it was River."

"Who's River?"

"Archeologist with a gun."

"What kind of archeologists carry guns?"

"The ones that are named River Song. Anyway. Amy, open the doors. Show Mr. Skeletron here the beauties of space." Amy obeyed, and Skulduggery walked over to the edge and looked down.

"Wow. So that's space."

"You don't say." said Valkyrie from behind him.

"It's beautiful."

"Oh? Skulduggery? You're being humble?"

"Not quite as beautiful as me, though."

"Aaaaaaand it's gone."

The Doctor was smirking by the console. "Are you done taking in the universe? Because we have secret military organizations to get to!"

"Okay. Let's go." said Skulduggery and backed away from space, closing the doors. "Do you know anyone in Torchwood, Doctor?"

"Oh, a fellow named Jack. Very nice. Immortal." he paused and looked at Skulduggery "Rather handsome too."

"What?" asked Skulduggery "Handsome? I'm not gay!"

The Doctor smiled childishly. "Never said you were. Maybe I was talking to Amy or lady Valkyrie here."

"How come I don't get to be a lady?" asked Amy.

The Doctor continued without answering "Maybe even Rory."

"I am not gay, Doctor!"

"I can see that, Rory, you have a wife."

"Fine."

"Welcome. Anyway, Torchwood. Allons-y. I haven't said that in a while. Feels great. Maybe I'll say it more often. Alloooonssssss-yyyyy. Right. Lets go." The Doctor jumped to the console and pulled a lever. The TARDIS shook. So did everyone in it. Except Skulduggery. Lights flickered, The Doctor danced, and then a bell rung. The machine fell silent and Amy opened the door.

Jack Harkness stat relaxed in a chair, legs up on a table. "Hello, Doctor." he half-yelled.

Skulduggery came out. Jack gave a little start, but only raised an eyebrow. "New face? Oh. Sorry. Sore subject."

The Doctor emerged from the TARDIS. "Hello, Jack. Mr. Harkness."

"Oh! Definitely new face. I like it. The cheekbones really define it."

"What about mine?" asked Skulduggery "These cheekbones are works of art."

"I suppose they're okay. A little too high, though."

"Yes, cheekbones are fantastic." interrupted The Doctor "But we're not here for them."

"Why are you here then?"

"This skeleton man is a wizard."

"Sorcerer." corrected Skulduggery.

"Person who sets things on fire. His organization is stationed in a town called Roarhaven. You have this organization on your maps, as do UNIT, Nicholas Flamel, and Nikola Tesla. Why?"

"Roarhaven? I think Torchwood was based there in the early nineteen hundreds. We sort-of stumbled on it. The people there were pretty cold and secretive, didn't like us. We saw that it just fades the farther you get from it. Figured it was alien, let it be. Cooped up there for study, but never found anything."

"Hm. Skulduggery, you're old."

"Yes. I suppose so."

"Do you remember any strangers in Roarhaven in nineteen hundred?"

"I wasn't in Roarhaven in nineteen hundred. I have better places to be than Roarhaven. Have you slept under a bridge, or in a hole, or in a landfill? I was off doing those things and not Roarhaven."

"Okay. No need to get that sarcastic. I was just asking." The doctor turned from Skulduggery to Jack. "It's been nice seeing you again. Maybe I'll stop by sometime later." He smiled and walked into the TARDIS.

Skulduggery was about to follow, but Jack had gotten up and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know The Doctor might seem shady or strange. But he has a way of bringing out the best in people. You just need to trust him."

"I have faith in results, Mr. Harkness. I'm sticking around because he's fascinating. He hasn't done anything godly or powerful yet, but I sense it in him. I want to be there when he finally snaps."

"You don't want to see The Doctor angry, Bony."

"Maybe I'll wish I hadn't afterwords, but for now I'm waiting."

The Doctor's head popped out from the Police Box and he shouted "Are you quite done? We have places to be!"


	7. Mr Ryan, not Captain Reynolds

Hello. I'm back. School has, as I mentioned, started. I also have to finish a play that I'm writing before New Years. I want to get that out of the way as soon as possible so I can start editing and possibly publishing if I can find a place that will do that. This puts fanfiction pretty low on the list, but hey, I'm here. The weekly timetable from summer is going to die hard. That said, I will try to post as often as I can, probably bi or tri-weekly. Deal with it. Also, follow, because that way you don't miss it when a new chapter DOES come out.

* * *

"Are we going to UNIT?" asked Amy, holding on to a guardrail.

"Don't ask silly questions." replied The Doctor

"Not a silly question."

"Yes it is."

"Fine. But we're going there, no?"

"Yes we are."

"Who do you have here?

"Old friend. Brilliant old friend. Martha. She's a doctor."

"Doctor like you?" asked Valkyrie

"No, a more traditional doctor. Medical doctor."

"That's refreshing."

"You're magic. You're the pinnacle of strange. Nothing should be refreshing to you."

"Well, if the bad guys went willingly, that would be refreshing."

"We always want the bad guys to go down easy, don't we? That would be nice."

"I don't know about Sorcerers" said Rory "But The Doctor takes care of our bad guys fairly easily."

"No I don't I'm just a good liar and make it look like that. Anyway." The Doctor pulled a lever and the shaking of the TARDIS stopped. "UNIT."

He ran over to the doors and threw them open. "Martha! Martha Jones?" he yelled.

The board of UNIT executives stared at him, surprise evident on their features. Martha stood at the front of a long desk, giving a presentation. She also stared for a while, but shortly crossed her arms and smiled awkwardly.

"Hello Doctor." She said "Anything I can help you with?"

The Doctor smiled back. "Do I get a hug?"

Martha's awkward smile turned into a grin. "Of course you can."

She walked to him, and they embraced. The Doctor held her at arm's length by the shoulders, grinning like the madman that he as. "My. Haven't seen you in ages. Haven't changed a bit."

"You've managed to change your face while you were gone."

"I do that sometimes. Anyway. I'm here on very specific business."

"What is that?"

"Skulduggery! Come on out."

"Are you sure?" came the shout from within the TARDIS.

"Quite sure. Come on. Don't keep them waiting."

"Fine."

Skulduggery emerged from the doors. All present gasped at the sight of him. "That's a bloody skeleton!" came a shout from the corner of the table.

"A skeleton that's better at wearing suits than anyone in this room." He looked at the man who shouted as he came out. "Especially better than you."

Martha leaned into The Doctor's ear. "I like him."

"Why?"

"He told Mr. Ryan that he's bad at wearing suits."

"Well, he is."

"Doctor!"

"What."

"You can't tell my boss he's bad at wearing a suit!"

The Doctor smiled at her for a split second and stopped talking in a hushed tone. He raised his hands in the air. "Attention!" He said loudly. "Mr. Ryan, you are, in fact bad at wearing suits. You are quite frankly, a bit too large for them."

"I'm sorry, what?" asked Mr. Ryan.

"The Doctor is saying that you are too fat for suits." explained Skulduggery.

"I am not too fat for suits!"

"I agree."

"There. A man with common sense."

"You're just a bit ugly."

The Doctor, sensing imminent conflict, slides in between the two and says "We're here for some info."

Mr. Ryan looked at the Time Lord. "You think you can just walk into a board meeting of UNIT , disrespect me, and ask for information?"

The Doctor grinned from ear to ear. "Yes."

"Well you can't."

"Can't I? You think I need your approval to scour UNIT's databases until I find what I want? Because I do not. I come here out of respect for you and your set boundaries. If I was just sightseeing, I would pass by without the info I wanted. The difference today is that today, I need that information. Need it. So you have two choices right now. One, you give it willingly, or two, I take it by myself. Which do you like more?"

Silence hung in the air, saturating every crack of empty space.

"Fine." said another representative

"We are not going to-" Mr. Ryan started to protest

"He is the Doctor, Mr. Ryan! All due respect, but we cannot stand against him."

"Very well. What do you want to know, _Doctor_?"

"Don't have to be snarky, Mr. Ryan. I just want to know about Roarhaven."

"Roarhaven? Why would you want to know about that?"

"You were no doubt picking up strange physic reading from there, no?"

"We were."

"What year?"

"Nineteen eighty, I think."

"Skulduggery? Nineteen eighty?" asked The Doctor.

"Still in junkyards and manure factories." Replied the skeleton

"Really? Roarhaven is that bad?"

"You'll understand soon."

"Wow. Anyway, why is it on your maps? A point of interest, nothing more, right?"

"Yes." replied Mr. Ryan. "We never found anything, I assure you."

"No sorcerers, nothing?"

"None at all. Why do you ask?"

"No reason. Just re-read the Harry potter books. Good stuff. Anyway." The Doctor turned to Martha and gave her another hug. "It was great to see you. Maybe we'll come across each other again. But for now, I have to go."

"Okay Doctor. Just be careful. Don't change your face again. It's unsettling."

"Believe me, I try not to."

With that, The Doctor took Skulduggery by the wrist and went into the TARDIS.

"Okay." He started "We know that Torchwood and UNIT didn't find anything at Roarhaven. That was somewhat pointless. But we know they were there. Oh!" The Doctor jumped from the seat he had taken seconds prior. "They both had outposts there! We can search those for information, whatever they did manage to find. Sound like a plan?"

"No." said Skulduggery.

"How isn't it a plan. It's a fine plan. Brilliant plan."

"It's not a plan, it's a notion."

"Shush, Skulduggery." interrupted Valkyrie "Your plans are about the same."

"My notions are a common man's plans." replied the Detective.

"I tend to make mine up as I go along. More fun that way." said The Doctor, then walked to the TARDIS' console. He looked at everyone in the room with a critical eye. Then he activated the blue stabilizers. The TARDIS was launched into the vortex, but it didn't shake.

"Why'd you turn them on, Doctor?"

"I'm tired, Rory, very tired. Don't feel like holding on right now. " He fiddled with the controls unnecessarily, not meeting anyone's gaze.

"What's on his mind, do you think?" whispered Amy.

"I don't know." replied Rory, matching her hushed tone. "Maybe he remembered his time with that Martha girl. He's old, Amy. Must have lots of memories."

"He's old all the time. Something's got him down."

The Doctor was still flicking switches. He rubbed his forehead often, and blinked erratically. His hands ran through his hair and his cheeks were flushed. After a minute, his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell to the floor of the TARDIS.

"Doctor!" yelled Amy.

A beam of yellow light rained down from the ceiling, and a woman appeared. She knelt down by The Doctor, and stabbed him in the arm with something resembling a syringe. She took a green square from her pocket, touched the back of his head, then stood and took out a gun, blasting his brains all over the console.

Skulduggery had gone from the bottom of the stairs to the top in a matter of seconds, and was already holding his revolver to the woman's head. He was just about to pull the trigger when she whispered.

"Angeline."

Skulduggery's hand faltered "What?"

It was all the intruder needed, to knock him off balance. She twisted her arm around his, drew him in, and elbowed him in the skull. She grabbed his gun hand and turned it. The revolver fell, but she caught it halfway to the ground, and kicked Skulduggery in the chest.

Standing in the TARDIS with an air of smugness, she pointed two guns at two separate targets, Valkyrie and the Skeleton.

"Who the hell are you?" yelled Valkyrie.

"Mary Jane."

"No Mary Janes point guns at people."

"I do."

"I knew a Mary Jane." said Skulduggery.

"Really?" asked the woman.

"Yes. She was a bit of an ass, though. Pointed a gun at me, in fact. Terrible lady."

"Now is not the time, Skulduggery!" yelled Valkyrie. Amy had tears in her eyes, and Rory held her in a tight hug.

Mary Jane smiled. Her smile was that of an evil old woman, maybe your English teacher, or history professor. "We all have to go now." she said. A beep came from the vicinity of her ear. "We're ready, Bach. Beam us up."

* * *

Yes, I named her Mary Jane to be ironic.


	8. God in the Machine

Skulduggery appeared on the deck of a starship overlooking Earth. Vlakyrie was to his immediate right. Amy and Rory were still hugging and crying softly right behind him.

"This is quite a place you have here." said Skulduggery, hands still in the air.

"Oh yes. The S.S. No one is moved by your flattery." replied a forty year old man sitting in the pilot's chair.

"Who are you?"

"You're not in a position to be asking questions, Skulduggery."

"You know my name?"

"No, I guessed and hoped I was lucky. Yes I know your name."

"You're Bach?"

"Yes."

"Why did you kill The Doctor?"

"Oh. Good. We killed the right Time Lord."

"There are more than one?"

"There were."

"Why did you kill him."

"We were bored."

Mary-Jane looked at Bach disapprovingly. "Tell me, Skulduggery, do you know how much information is stored in a Time lord's mind?"

"No."

She chuckled. "A lot, Mr. Pleasant. Do you have any idea how valuable that information is to us?"

"Valuable enough to kill a man?"

"Quite."

"You see, that tells me nothing. You could be ones who resort to killing as a last measure, or you could go around town killing people who ate the wrong kind of muffin."

"I assure you our reasons are sufficient."

Amy looked at her from Rory's embrace. "Nothing is sufficient enough to kill The Doctor over."

"Oh?"

"He's saved all of you countless times. The universe only exists thanks to him!"

"The universe will have to find a new protector, then."

Amy pushed Rory firmly, to tell him to back off. "There's no one like The Doctor. "

"We can make thousands like him."

"Why not just have the one! Why did you kill him?"

"You think he would have simply let us be? 'May we have a sample of your blood? And a bank of all your knowledge?' 'Why sure, Mary-Jane, why not!'" The woman paused for effect. "No. It wouldn't have gone that path if we let him live. Once we started making our soldiers, or even before, he would come down on us full force. A Time Lord is, or rather, was, a powerful weapon."

"What are you?" asked Valkyrie.

"We are the Ori."

"What are the Ori?'

"You."

"You're not me. I'm prettier."

"We are sorcerers. Not from Earth. A united federation of the mystically gifted across planets. Like your Sanctuaries, only larger by far."

"So you're alien magicians."

"Yes."

"From space."

"Yes.

"Who are also assassins."

"When the situation requires."

"God, this sounds like a bad sixties movie. I am now cast in a bad sixties movie. Bugger."

Mary-Jane snickered and pressed a button on a device strapped around her wrist. "Security unit sixty, please report to bridge."

Skulduggery's posture straitened. "This is the bridge?"

"Yes. Couldn't you figure that out on your own? You are THE Detective after all."

"Oh, I've figured it out." said Skulduggery, and lashed out at Mary Jane. Their fists swung through the air. Holds and counterholds sped by like a mouse on a motorcycle. Skulduggery was holding his own with ease.

"You're better than before!" yelled Mary-Jane, punching.

"You're a lot worse!" yelled Skulduggery back, ducking under the punch and bringing up his knee. Mary-Jane sidestepped, and their dance continued for a long while.

While they sparred, so did Valkyrie and Bach. The girl had caught on to Skulduggery' plan to seize control of the ship. Rory ran up behind Bach while he was occupied with Valyrie and knocked him to the floor with one punch to the jaw. Leaving her to hold the pilot down, the Last Centurion slugged Mary-Jane as well.

Pining The Doctor's killer to the ground, Skulduggery said "That's a mean right hook you have there."

"I've been working on it."

The doors opened and the called security poured in. This group had four people in it; one was a reptilian, one a bird-like creature, another a cat-faced human, and the last one looking simply like a man.

They had come in with their weapons holstered, but had them out in less than a second. They stunned Amy, Rory, and Valkyrie quickly. Skulduggery, however, had to be subdued manually due to being seemingly immune to stunners.

"Take them to the cells." ordered Mary-Jane, dusting herself off.

"Why don't you want them dead?" asked the reptilian.

"The two non-magical ones are time-travelers, aren't they? They have a different view of reality. We could learn from them. The skeleton...well...One does not simply kill The Detective, not when he can be so useful to us. And the girl..." Mary-Jane paused. Then she smiled her vile, toothy smile. "The girl will be fun to torture."

Amy woke up in a reasonably big room. The red lights in the corners were flashing, and a high-pitched alarm abused her ears. She tried to push it out of her mind, and looked around her. The domicile was spacious for one person, a cozy fit for four. Rory lay to her right, and Skulduggery strained against his bonds directly in front of her. Valkyrie's head rested on his shoulder. She was also out cold.

The Skeleton stopped his struggle for a moment. "About time you came to. I was beginning to worry I'd have to suffer alone. Now I know I can share my pain with you. My heart leaps with joy."

Amy raised an eyebrow at him, then smiled to herself, knowing that he couldn't do so. Her eyes zeroed in on a glass panel set high on the wall, right above the door. "Come along, Pond!" it read. The text was replaced by an "XD"

"What?" questioned Amy.

The text changed again. "They scanned me into their system! Isn't that brilliant?"

"Who is this?"

"The Doctor, of course."

"The Doctor's dead."

"You should probably see to lowering your voice, Amy, you probably sound very strange to the guard."

Amy acknowledged the fact and started talking more quietly. "How'd you get in there?"

"Oh, it's just brilliant. You know the chip they put on my head before they killed me?"

"Yeah."

"It scanned my brain!"

"Okay."

"Aren't you happy?"

"Yes, but...How did you get in there?"

"The green chip scanned my brain. It wasn't programmed very well, so my personality got in along with the knowledge! Fantastic!"

"You're not answering the question, Doctor. What are you doing in a glass above my door?"

"They wanted my knowledge, right? So they took it from me with the chip. But they need to store it somewhere."

"The computer system? You're living IN the computer system? After they copied you in there?"

"Yeah! You see, I took myself, the body of data that is me, and I made it into a virus! Not a bad virus though. One that can hop around terminals and such."

"Wouldn't they notice that all that data is gone? Or that it's been copied?"

"Ah, you see, that's were I'm especially brilliant. To answer your question, they won't notice, because it's not gone. I copied myself, yes. But right now I am so unimaginably compressed, they'll probably just scan over me. Maybe they'll think I'm a picture of a cat or something."

"But you're still running, no? You need to operate somehow."

"I named my executable a vital system process, they won't shut me down. Also, you might have thought about how now there would be a million little Doctors running around, copied viruses and such. No. I took my personality and cut it into this data. They still have my knowledge, but only I have myself. Isn't that nifty? I think it's nifty. Oh! Wait. Scanning software. Back in a minute. Take care, Amy! And tell Rory that he looks awful in negative for me."

The screen flickered blank. Amy sat down and waited for Rory to wake up.


End file.
